Hilarious Quotes!
by Kayla Swan Hale-Cullen
Summary: realy funny... found most on this sight... i chasnged some up so there were no curses and btw all the twilight ones aplly to me!


**Disclaimer: I love these quotes yes i do but they arent mine they're from this site all made profanity free! **

**that was a really bad p****oam!**

**well any way my first fan fic enjoy!**

'It's always in the last place you look' Well DUH! Because you stop looking after you find it! HELLO!

Silence is golden; Duct tape is SILVER

I have the cape, I make the whoosh noises.

When I walk past an automatic door and it opens for me, I worry that if I don't go through it, I might hurt its feelings

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. How do you feel now?

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes, that way you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.

The statistics on insanity are that 1 out of every 4 people has some kind of mental illness. Look at your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

"You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh harder"

My imaginary friend thinks that you have serious problems.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia.

"I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no stinking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock, leaving it immobile? Why the heck can't paper do this to scissors? Forget scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that paper up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, 'Oh god, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, idiot.'"

''My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone."

"When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing."

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."

"The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true."

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police."

"Eat right, exercise, die anyway."

"Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?"'

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now."

"I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing."

"The voices in my head tell me that you're all crazy to think that I need therapy."

"If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation."

"They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?"''

"Sarcasm is one more service we offer."

"I hear voices and they don't like you."

"Smile -- it confuses the enemy."

"I'm not bossy, I just have better ideas."

"Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."

"I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away."

"Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence."

"Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed."

"Whoever said anything was possible never tried nailing jello to a tree."

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature."

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."

"Wishes are like fate and destiny. Over time, they can change and you never know what you're going to get and what will mess you up."

The road to hell is ordered by the righteous, planned by the well-meaning, and paved with their good intentions.''

"Always be who you are. Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter."

"If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it."

"Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway."

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a dirty cup of water. We don't just borrow words; on occasion English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."

"That which doesn't kill you... will probably try again."

"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals."

"Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them."

"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."

"God must love stupid people - He made so many."

"The trouble with life is there's no background music."

(Sign shown in a non-smoking zone) "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

(After taking a drink from a mug) "This would taste a lot better if there was actually something in this cup."

"I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake."

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."

"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A person who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'"

"Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?"

"I have super shut up powers."

"Which wire was I supposed to cut?"

"There are 3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't."

"Stupidity is not a crime so you're free to go."

"There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead."

"A friend is someone who's there for you whether he'd rather be somewhere else or not."

"In any sufficiently large group of people, most are idiots."

"We have only one person to blame, and that's each other."

"I am nobody... Nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then!"

"The whole world is going to hell, and I'm driving the bus!"

"Heaven won't take me and Hell is afraid I'll take over."

"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."

"Diplomacy: Think twice before saying nothing."

"Forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."

"Committee - A group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide nothing can be done."

"Access denied... Na, nah, nah, nah, nah!"

"I intend to live forever... so far, so good."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.'"

"Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer."

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

"All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand."

"I'd kill for a nobel peace prize."

"Permitted vehicles not allowed."

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

"If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candle light."

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."

"When you really want grape juice, but life gives you lemons instead, then make lemonade, because it's the only thing you've got to work with... Even though you REALLY wanted grape juice!"

"When you really want grape juice, but life gives you lemons instead, throw them back and demand grapes!"

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, then go find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party."

"I haven't commited a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."

"If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing."

"Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

"Life is a game, play it carefully."

"All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair."

"People are stupid; a person is not."

"When you want grape juice, but life gives you lemons, make grape juice and leave them wondering how."

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you tomatoes, make bloody-marys. When life gives you machine guns, NOW it's telling you something."

"The world is going to explode, but I don't wanna die (cries like a baby for 2 hours) (stops crying) Wait I don't have to go to school now. Yippy!"

"If your phone lines are down, please call your operator."

"When life gives you lemons, find people with paper cuts."

"I used to think I was indecisive... but now I'm not sure..."

"Flying is not inherently dangerous; crashing is."

"If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?"

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

"UNIQUENESS - normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from."

"A sphere is a really pointless shape."

"If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to have made it worth your while."

"A rose by any other name would likely be deadly thorn bearing assault vegetation."

"If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number."

"I'm not laughing at you, I'm chuckling at your stupidity."

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."

"For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

"Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?"

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."

"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."

"You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?"

"Join the Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

"Death is hereditary."

"There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side, and the right side."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference."

"When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets."

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."

"They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?"

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

"I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours."

"If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side."

"Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives."

"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, which makes weird good."

"I noticed you noticing me, I'm just gonna put you on notice that I noticed you too."

"I don't have a problem with you. It's just certain personality traits of yours that I loath."

"Be so kind as to stay out off my business. That way you will keep the ability to tend to your own for longer than the passing of this encounter."

"People never bother me from a distance. They don't get that far."

"I would rather people hate me for who I am than love me for who I am not."

"Ehehe, I'm not sadistic, nooooo..."

"I have a very creative imagination and it often out-runs my common sense. Result: major trauma after imagining my Math teacher in shorts..."

"Right! Coffee. Shower. Coffee. Breakfast. Coffee. Go! … I may have a slight caffeine addiction."

"Thank you very much for telling the whole world Lex. Now, sit still so I can kill you."

"Yeah, you saved my life, but it wasn't in need of saving at all. So's more like, conveniently maintained."

"Whoever says nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door."

"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."

"Light travels faster than sound, therefore, someone may seem beautiful until you hear them speak."

"I stood there in the mess and heard a voice that said, "Smile, it could have been worse," and I stood there and smiled and it got worse."

"I don't know what you're trying to do, but I do know you're wasting my time. Stop, or I'll waste you."

"We don't damage it any more then we have to. Which means we blast it to splinters."

"The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on."

Alice: "I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors."  
Edward: "Why don't you just tell me who wins?"  
Alice: "I do. Excellent."

Edward: "You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating."

Bella: "Why am I covered in feathers?"

_Twilight Confessions:_

#1:Every time I hear the name Edward, I go:" What! Where?"

#2:If I see a silver Volvo, I scream like a fan-girl.

#3:I poured glitter over my boyfriend. It looked nice just like Edward.

#4:When I have kids, I'll name them after the Cullens.

#5:Shiny fictional characters dazzle me. Frequently.

#6:When I go to the doctor, I hope he is hot like Carlisle.

#7:When a boy dazzles me or makes me tell the truth, I think he's the _one._

#8:Alice stole my Porsche.

#9:I have a new favorite irritable grizzly.

#10:Since Twilight I eat cereal.

#11: Since Twilight I want to move to Forks, Washington.

#12:The only reason I went to Hp 4 is because of Robert Pattinson.

#13:Loud pick-ups make me smile like an idiot.

#14:Every time I eat pizza I think of Edward.

#15:I bought a ticket to America so I can watch the movie earlier.

#16:I get intoxicated by a presence.

#17:I read Twilight to my brother just so I could read it again.

#18:I don't want to go on vacation because, I'll miss all the next Breaking Dawn quotes.

#19:You know you're an extreme Twilight fan when every word that starts with the letter "v" looks like vampire.

#20:I like baseball because, of Twilight.

#21:If I see a silver Volvo I keep hovering around it because, I wait for Edward to come.

#22:Thinking about Twilgiht keeps me sane.

#23:I can't lend any of my books to anyone because, I have with drawl symptoms

Every girl wants to faint if it means she'll be lifted by Edward Cullen.

The cabbie can always keep the change if it means I'll meet James.

Life is a tapestry, woven by the decisions we make.

The heart has it's reasons- of which reason knows nothing.

Time is a companion that goes with us on a journey. It reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived.

Those who don't remember the past are condemned to relive it.

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, And only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

Things are always given to us when we need them; you just need to be brave enough to seize them.

Don't let life slip away; grab it with both hands, because once it's gone, you can never grab it back.

Reality is in the eye of the beholder.

It is with the heart that one can truly see; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Let your dreams run wild and free- and always, always follow where they lead.

Life isn't about the breath you take; it's about the moments that take your breath away.

Tomorrow will become whatever you make it.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should

No one is strong all the time.

Music is the universal language of mankind.

We are forced to bed, but we are free to dream.

Good friends are like stars; you don't always see them, but they are always there.

Sometimes you should just forget caution and take a leap of faith.

It's the friends you can call at 4:00 am that matter.

Friends are the siblings we never had.

Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes.

Life is so much friendlier with two.

Without fear there is no courage.

It's better to say too much than to not say enough.

Where words fade, music SPEAKS!

Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die tomorrow.

Live for the moments you can't put into words.

Love the life you live, live the life you love.

Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about CREATING yourself.

Passing notes in class:  
Edward: Why is the plane crashing?  
Bella: Because the pilots are passed out drunk.  
Edward: Easy. I'd fly the plane.  
Bella: Both engines have exploded and we're falling in a death spiral toward the earth.  
Edward: I'd wait till we were close enough to the ground, get a good grip on you, kick out the wall and jump. Then I'd run you back to the scene of the accident, and we'd stumble around like the two luckiest survivors in history.

When I have kids, I'm naming them after the Cullens.

I've developed a weird habit of biting people.

I keep trying to kidnap Jasper, but Alice is always at his window with a bat. How does she kn…ohhh, right!

All I want is a gorgeous, immortal, cold, silver Volvo owner that sparkles in the sunlight and bites me…is that too much to ask for?

Blondes may have more fun, but Edward prefers Brunettes!

Changed my name to Bella, moved to Forks, acted like a danger Magnet…So where's my Edward?

Twilight Warning: This book may severe daydreaming, insanely high expectations for boyfriends, overactive imagination, drooling, and the belief that Edward Cullen is NOT fictional.

I have been diagnosed with OCD: Obsessive Cullen Disorder.

Hello my name is Edward and I dazzle people frequently.

Forget a princess, I want to be a vampire!

Every time a guy ignores me, I know it's just because he's a vampire in love with me, and he is too polite to drink my blood.

Edward's pick up line; Can I explain how you're tempting me?

I jumped in front of a moving van to see if Edward would save me.

You haven't read Twilight? Go shoot yourself in the foot!

**when i first read these i almost peed myself laughing! please review review review!**

**pce x luv ---- Kayla**

**p.s. ll the twilight ones.... remind me of yours trully!**


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